Monday, February 8, 2010

Things that are hard to admit

There are many things we keep secret. Many things we share with no one except those closest to us. For women especially, one of those things is our weight. Especially those of us who have more than a few pounds to lose to be considered 'healthy'. I've been thinking about my weight a lot lately. When you have a lot of weight to lose (in my mind a lot is more than 15-20 pounds!), it can be frustrating when you don't lose weight. Just over a year ago, I created a group on Facebook to help those of us trying to lose weight. In it, I posted my current weight at the time for all to see. At least, for all of my friends to see. It was really hard to do. At the time, I was at my highest weight ever...238 lbs. I thought that if I made it 'public' it would help me stick to my 'diet', which at the time was Weight Watchers. I've learned enough over the years to know that diets don't work. It's in doing something like Weight Watchers or living yeast-free, which are both lifestyle changes, that you can lose weight and be healthy. Most of the other diets out there are temporary, only meant to be done for short periods of time. Weight Watchers is great because it really helps you change your focus. It's not about just eating within a set amount of points. It's about really learning to see how much you eat vs. how much you *should* eat.

Last January I started Weight Watchers again, determined to stick to it and lose the weight. After all, I'd done it before. When I was pregnant with my fourth child, I managed not to gain any weight, which was good since at the time I was up to 195. I was so sick with that pregnancy that my stomach shrank and I really couldn't eat much at a time. I lost 13 lbs at delivery, and immediately went right back on Weight Watchers (I had done it before after baby #2). I was also nursing, which burns calories. Over the next few months I got down to 157. I was looking a lot better and starting to feel good about myself, probably for the first time ever.

And then I had to have my gall bladder removed. I had to be on a medication for a week before my surgery and was out of commission for a week and chose to stop nursing Olivia, thinking it would take too much energy and effort to pump for 2 weeks. After my surgery, I just kind of stopped sticking to Weight Watchers. I can pinpoint the actual reason. You see, with Weight Watchers, nursing moms get an extra 10 points each day. I rationalized that I KNEW how to eat and would be able to maintain my current weight-and I didn't want to 'lose' those extra 10 points per day so I just stopped keeping track. Little by little, the pounds added back up until I had managed to gain an additional 43 pounds on top of what I had managed to lose-leaving me at that awful high weight of 238. I couldn't believe I had let myself get that large. And while it scares me to even put that number down on virtual paper, it doesn't change the fact that I LOOKED every pound of that! So really, it's just a number. I wasn't hiding anything...because people could see me every day...and it's hard to hide 238 pounds.

I'll admit it. I'm torn about publishing this post. I don't want people to know how much I weigh(ed). But if my journey can help someone else, that is what I want. That's why I write this. But all of this brings me to my original point. As I have been thinking about my weight lately and have been frustrated and discouraged that I still have so much to lose, I realized that in the last year I lost 40 pounds. And as I thought about that, I realized that 40 pounds in a year is actually quite an accomplishment.

And lately, I've been thrilled that I finally got below 200. For the first time in 4 years. And that feels good! That feels really good. So really, I need to just focus on what I have accomplished and be excited about accomplishing my first goal. As of this morning, I was down to 196. 40(ish) more pounds to go until I reach what the health experts consider a healthy weight. And I WILL get there. I'm on day 5 of living yeast free again (without cheating) and feeling better than I did a week ago. I'm working out at the Y as my knee gets stronger. Hopefully those two combined will get the weight loss started again and someday I can look back and say 'I never got back to 238 (or 200, or 190, or 160) ever again.'

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jamie,

    Thanks for sharing your story with your ups and downs of weight loss. 40 pounds is such an accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself. It seems like you are really back on track with the yeast free life and I wish you continued success. I have been thinking a lot about weight lately as I have not been able to drop the last 20 pounds that I gained after having my second child. She is now 2 and somedays I wonder if I will every get back to my pre baby size were I feel healthiest and most confident. Thanks for the post. I will read it again when I need some inspiration.

    Take care,

    PS - I was listed as a fan under tyj23. That is me. I changed it and it should say Tennille now.