Monday, March 1, 2010

Kicking and Screaming

My body and mind are in full revolt mode. I love to cook. Baking is my favorite. Desserts in particular. When it comes to dessert, I am not picky; unless it is fruit-filled, has dark chocolate or just plain tastes gross. But other than that... ;-)

What I don't like is the constant, day to day cooking. Don't get me wrong. I love MY cooking and I like how much better everything tastes when I make it myself instead of buying it pre-made or from a restaurant. But something inside of me just starts throwing a tantrum when I am forced to cook on a regular basis. Perhaps it's because I am so used to the convenience of ordering pizza or going out. I think that throughout my almost 11 years of marriage at best we've had three days of me cooking and four days of someone else doing all the work each week. So I think that this whole cooking everyday thing is going to take a little getting used to...okay, it's going to take a LOT of getting used to.

I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm a little annoyed right now. Not at my husband. Not at the meal plan and budget we are trying to stick to. Not even at the yeast-free aspect. I'm just plain annoyed that I have to be up on my feet EVERY night cooking for the six of us. Tonight was perhaps a little worse because I didn't get home until after 7pm. When we try to make 10pm our goal for bedtime (for are in bed usually by 7/7:30), and I don't get home until almost 7:30 and then have to put the groceries away and still cook dinner for myself and prep dinner for tomorrow just weighs me down.

However, I am now sitting down, having gotten the chili ready for tomorrow night's dinner. I wanted to get a breakfast casserole ready to cook and some coconut macaroons but I'm exhausted. Partly I think because I am still fighting this cold (though it's much better than it was), but mostly I am just a little bit resentful. And on the off chance that my husband actually ever reads this, I am not resentful with regards to him or 'his' budget (ok, I guess it is 'ours') and desire to stick to a meal plan. I do like to tease him about how very beneficial this whole thing is for him since he loves when I cook! However, I just don't like coming home and having to work for the next hour. I told Kris the other day that if this was really going to work he was going to have to pitch in and help me. Because I just can't do it alone--well I can, I just don't like to! And he was really great tonight. He helped me get groceries out and immediately started unloading the dishwasher, without me asking. He helped me clean up after the cooking as well.

And I will admit that now that it is done, I am glad that all we have to do tomorrow night after we pick up the kids, go to the Y and then come home is heat up the chili. So I know that ultimately it is a really good thing. I just get a little annoyed when I am having to do it. And I'm frustrated that I ran out of steam and didn't get the breakfast casserole done. But in order to get to a point where I am used to this, I think I have to take baby steps. Just a little at a time. I should be satisfied with just having gotten the chili ready. And part of me is. I just wish I had more time in a day. I wish that I hadn't worked 9 hours today only to come home to work some more. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the change now that it is starting to take place. On the upside, we have everything we need from all the grocery stores to get us through this week's menu.

But I'll be honest with you again...still...

I really want some cookies. Not the healthy, yeast-free kind. Girl Scout cookies. Somoas, Thin Mints, Dulce de Leche, and let's not forget Tagalongs! There's just something about dessert that makes me feel better, even if it is just temporary. I know that ultimately that 'fullness' I seek can only be found in God...but this is something that I really struggle with. And the only thing that comes to mind right now is that saying 'There's a skinny girl inside me trying to get out but I can usually shut her up with a cookie!'

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