Thursday, April 8, 2010

Burnt out

I'm getting extremely burnt out with all of this pressure I put on myself to stay away from anything that will increase yeast production in my body. And when I get burnt out, or I feel pressured, I tend to revolt. Which is where I have found myself for the last couple of days. Once again (like the rest of the world) this has been an extremely BUSY week. We've had something going on every night this week and it isn't going to slow down until Saturday. And if I've said it once I've said it 100 times...when we are too busy, chances are I am not cooking. And when I am not cooking, chances are I am only eating right about 50% of the time! Because I am not cooking, we do not have healthy leftovers to take to work for lunch. We're busy at night so we've been grabbing dinner in between therapy and the Y and whatever else it is we happen to be doing.

I've been thinking through this for a while now, and this week started talking to my husband about it. In the past, I have successfully lost weight by using the tools provided by Weight Watchers. I've lost weight both with and without going to meetings. It is one of the most effective weight loss tools for me because it gives me something I desperately need: self-control. I'm given a certain number of points to aim for each day and there are set 'rules' governing the way and the amount of food that I eat.

When I was diagnosed with the yeast overgrowth, nothing but a round of strong antibiotics and anti-fungal medications and radical diet change would get rid of it. And for 6 weeks I adhered to an extremely rigid diet and took the medications I needed to fight off the infection. And then I hurt my knee. And ever since then, it has been a battle to consistently remain yeast-free. And the more I try, the more I find myself wanting to fight and make a change.

Let's look at it this way. I think it is just the nature of who I am. I like money. When I don't have ANY money, all I want to do is spend money. When I have money, I tend to hold onto it and make wiser choices in how I spend that money. That's why after years of debt, my husband decided we could give ourselves an allowance. And while we still sometimes find ourselves living outside of our budget, having that allowance allows me to 'feel' better about where we are at, and it gives me more 'freedom'. I like freedom. I don't like being confined. Most people don't. I think sometimes I am like a wild animal that gets caged up. I fight and fight against my cage and then once I break out, I go on a wild hunt for what I have been deprived of. It's like that with money, and I am realizing that it is like that with food.

With anything, to be successful, you have to have a plan. And just eating yeast-free is not a plan for me. It's not working anymore. I feel caged. I feel so confined by the restrictions that I find myself wanting to devour any bad thing I can...simply because I've been told (even though I'm the one doing the telling) that I can't have this or I shouldn't eat that.

So here is my plan. It is an altered version of eating yeast-free. It's not yeast-free...not completely anyway. I haven't hammered out all of the details, but it will all be finalized within the next day or two. I am going to give myself some room. I'll still keep myself in a cage, but it will be a nice, decent-sized, cozy cage, that allows me room to move around and do some of what I want.

And I know it is going to sound like I am just giving up on the notion of eating yeast-free and maybe I a small way. Because I am not planning to adhere to a strictly yeast-free diet. I am going to basically combine yeast-free eating with Weight Watchers, limiting myself to a certain number of points (or calories/fat/fiber) each day. My plan is to primarily cook yeast-free. I'm not going back to frozen pizzas or homemade pizza crust that has yeast/gluten in it. I will continue to make the gluten-free pizza crust I discovered. I will continue to keep meats in stock at home and cook instead of buying frozen meals. My youngest can't eat much processed food to begin with due to her soy bean allergy, so it's a waste of money and just plain not healthy for us.

What I am going to do though is allow myself one day where I CAN consume foods containing yeast if I want to. I don't have to, but I am giving myself the freedom to make that choice. What that will mean is that if I want to eat bread, I am going to eat a piece of bread. But I will not become swept away in a gluten-filled smörgåsbord. I will have to stay within the confines of my given points for that day. I think that if I don't allow myself the freedom to have something bad from time to time, I am setting myself up for failure. I know myself and I won't succeed when I am burnt out. What I will do is binge for days, find myself feeling horribly, physically and emotionally and then have to start all over again! I still plan to seriously limit my intake of sugar. Corn syrup I intend to avoid at all costs, which means I will not be adding my favorite Diet Dr. Pepper back into the mix. While I love it with all that is in me, it is going to slowly destroy my body.

I can't fully 'see' what this is going to look like, but I feel hopeful that it will put me in a position to make better choices when I feel like I'm being deprived of everything I love. Either one of two things will happen. Either I will fail miserably, gain weight back and find that my only choice for living healthy is to eat very strictly yeast-free; or I will find that giving myself allowances in small doses combined with exercise and self-control will be the key to my success in losing weight and feeling better.

If I come crashing to the floor, you'll read about it here. What are your thoughts? Feel free to answer honestly-I don't know most of you anyway!! ;-)


  1. I think you maybe on to something. We were just watching the biggest loser on tv a couple of days ago and one of the trainers suggested splitting your days of your diet based on how rigid your going to be. I think they mentioned being extremely rigid 3 days, a little relaxed 3 days, and then having a free day so you could eat outside of your diet. I can't say that it'll work perfectly, but less stress on at least one day will probably make the other days easier to deal with.

  2. Thanks for the encouragement. That's sort of what I was thinking...only I was going to be more 5 days being strict, one day where I allow only gluten (vs gluten and sugar) and then one 'free' day.

  3. Let me know when that facebook app is ready. I think that you're onto something. I'd love to dable in it as well.

  4. As soon as I can find some free time to put the husband to work on the FB app I will! :-)