Why??

Why? Why does it have to be so hard? Every time I'm hungry I think 'Ok what do I have that is quick that I can just grab?' Oh that's right! NOTHING!!!!

I'm a bit angry tonight. Ok, not angry. Frustrated. Well, maybe not frustrated. I think that perhaps the best word for what I am feeling is discouraged. After my binging and then the consequential horribly sick days that followed, I have been trying really hard to eat right. I've been thinking before I eat. I've been pushing the temptations that come (and boy do they come and OFTEN!) away, and I've been doing it. For two days. Oooh...big deal, right? Well you know, as I sit here and think about it, ANY time that I make the right choice is a big deal. Because as I have openly admitted, I am addicted to food. And not just ANY food. The GOOD kind. The kind that is SO good it can be nothing but incredibly bad for your body.

I do get frustrated as I sit down and plan our meals. Because there are so many recipes that sound really great, that I'd love to try. But there's that whole time thing. You know, like not having any?? Ok as I am sitting here reflecting over what I am writing...I'm not just discouraged. I am angry. I just want it to be easy. Yeah I know--life is hard. But why does eating have to be part of it? I've got four kids...isn't that enough hardship? I kid...sort of. :)

So as I sat down this evening to figure out what we were going to eat this week (I should have done it yesterday but didn't have enough of that precious disappearing time), I was getting pretty down about it all. And what do you want to do when you're down? Any good food addict knows the answer to that. And I wanted chocolate. And cookies. And maybe throw some ice cream on there. Of course, it didn't help that I was starving by the time I got home. I took a baked potato today--well, I took a potato and nuked it in the microwave at work and that is what I ate for lunch. And by 6:30, I was pretty hungry.

What's the next worst thing to do when you're hungry besides eating (which is the #1 worst thing)?? SHOP. For food. But there were things we needed in order to stick to a yeast-free week. So off to the store I went. Every aisle I went down seemed to have at least one item screaming out my name. But I persevered and got the things I needed and only the things I needed. I did cave and buy some sugar free gum when I was standing in the checkout line...it was a strategic maneuver really. It kept me from grabbing the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Hershey's w/Almonds that I wanted to buy. Knowing I was going to have to come home and cook dinner still, once I got out to my car I opened up the gum like a crazy person, frantic to get a piece in my mouth! And I still have it in my mouth, because my pork chops are still cooking and I was afraid of the ice cream in the freezer--even if it is months old and I'd probably never stoop THAT low!

But now I am prepared for the week to come, at least as far as the 'menu' goes. I can't say that I am equally prepared mentally, but I really don't want to be sick, so hopefully this past weekend's sickness was enough motivation to keep me on the straight and narrow!